Internal Battle

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Photo: Ellga in Wonderland

Negativity – a complex prison my mind can’t seem to get out of. I’ve been dwelling in this inner sanctum for years and all I ever wanted was to break free. Sometimes it’s easy for me to say that I’m already positive and so full of life yet I’m back again. I’m back to being miserable and sad.

I always thought I already have my life together. Maybe I already have but my unhappy thoughts would always get the best of me. They’re always ahead of me every step of the way and even if I could shake them off, they somehow creep back into me. I hate it.

I may be free but my mind has always been a captive. It’s surreal how one moment I am my jolly self and the next thing I know I’m already ruined. With this situation I’m in, I am just really appreciative of the little things and the moments when I can be with my happy self again. I grab them as best as I could because they don’t linger too long too often. I keep hoping they never go away.

I wish I knew how to break out of this system permanently. I’m glad I could write all my feelings out. I’m proud of myself for not thinking about taking my own life. I’m thankful that I have family and friends who are only a call away. They can really help me win this internal battle I’m in. So far they haven’t asked me how I tend to get myself into this kind of internal mess but somehow their existence give me enough courage and hope to fight and win my troubles away.

My thoughts are also with those people who never got the chance to get out alive. I’m crushed every time news about depression and suicide appear on our television and smartphone screens. I think about the things they’d been through and I always ask myself if they ever had a chance to tell someone what they were going through, and if those people took a moment to focus on them or did they shrugged them off. I am still full of questions and concerns because I have an understanding of what they were going through and it’s not that easy as what everybody think it is.

Negativity is a complexity. The sad thing about it is that you can’t even see it coming and when it has taken over your mind, you cannot even resist it. You just know you’re doomed to fight and if you’re strong enough, you’ll manage to rise up.

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You’re Only In Your Twenties Once

Living in your twenties is a pretty huge deal. It’s merely the time to get free and explore not only the world but also yourself. Things are starting to shape up and make sense, and the adult life starts to loom around. It may be true that this is the time for us to get our shit together and face the reality headstrong but keep in mind that this is also the right time to make mistakes and truly learn from them.

When you’re in your twenties, personal growth is either rampant or restrained. Things may spurt out or things may slow down. There is no in-between. Your own personal choices are what’s keeping you going or what’s keeping you stagnant. Whatever the situation you’re in, keep in mind that everything is happening for reasons that you’ll most likely figure out when the right time comes. It’s always never too late when you’re in your twenties.

I’m only 21 years old but don’t get me wrong. Because we are only in our twenties once, I’ve come up with a list that we, twenty-somethings should be doing to make the most out of this decade.

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Photo: Pinterest

Plan a getaway with your friends. It’s always better to explore the great outdoors with great friends. It’s not really that expensive when you do it right. You can always start with your city and make your way to your neighboring cities. When your bank account permits, you can perhaps travel to other countries. Either way, the experiences you’ll have in the whole scale of the trip will always be memorable. Remember that it gets harder finding the right schedule when you’re older so now’s the best time!

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Photo: Bored Daddy

Learn more about your roots. It’s about time you realize that as you grow older, your elders are not getting any younger as well. It’s only fitting that you should start asking more about your ancestors and your family history. Make notes and timelines because this will also serve as a legacy to your children and their children as well.

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Photo: Nicole Hill Gerulat

Spend more time with your little siblings and/or cousins. At this point in time, they basically look up to you as the big boss to everything. They will expect you to decide for them and they will respect you no matter what. You’ll have more fun together and you will surely enjoy their innocence. But the main reason for this is that when you’re older, you’ll get caught up with work and even your own family that you’ll never have the time to mingle with them anymore. Plus, when they’re older, it’s more likely they’ll never gonna listen to you any longer.

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Photo: Adventure in Cooking

 

Up your culinary game. You cannot just settle with ramen for the rest of your life. Lift up your cooking skills in your 20s and you’ll never have to worry about hosting a dinner party later in life. You’ll also most likely to impress a special someone with your culinary prowess because food is always the key to the heart, right?

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Photo: Design Collector

Take good quality portraits. And if you can have them developed, do it too. These photos will remind you of great memories and it’s always fun to place them in photo albums or display them in picture frames. It elevates its sentimentality more and it will remind you later of how you looked and how it felt like to be in your 20s. Selfies doesn’t count and the studio-type photos are not necessary. Just be yourself and do you!

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Photo: We Heart It

Build good habits. Self-discipline should start now. Wake up early, take a morning run, get organized and manage your time. Now’s the right time to take care of yourself and your habits. You are not in high school anymore so set your priorities straight and do great things by starting small and start it with yourself.

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Photo: Models Jam

Learn from people who already have made it. Always seek advice from these people because they already are the wisest. Talk with them more often and learn from their experiences. They will always have something to offer and their wisdom is the greatest thing you’ll ever have. Sometimes you won’t agree with them too much but time will come when every little details they shared will make great sense.

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Photo: We Heart It

 

Don’t be so hard on yourself. In your early twenties, there will come a time when you’ll feel like your life is too stagnant and there will always that feeling of getting left behind. Don’t get this feeling corrupt you. Things are not getting easier and the pressure is always on but just take a deep breath and know that things will come at the right time and you’ll do great at your own pace.

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Avoiding the FOMO

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I know that there’s no such thing as a perfect life. All of us struggle to live and everyone has different stories and experiences to offer. We all want the same end goal and that is to be happy and contented with how we ruled our lives.

Some of us, though, are afraid to miss out on the things that truly matter. I, for one, feel that I’m being stranded on the same spot and I just watch the days go by so quickly. I try so hard to be productive and I really seek for an inspiration so that I could do something different for each and every day.

So how to avoid the FOMO (or the Fear Of Missing OUT)?

  • Avoid routine activities. When I wake up each morning I try my best not to do the same things I did yesterday. I simply hate routine activities because it causes me to follow certain tasks over and over again. Usually these kinds of days always end up on a boring and unproductive note, and by doing things differently, it gives me a drive to do something new and original. By the time I had finished these stuff, there is already a great sense of accomplishment and that’s what I truly aim for.
  • Stop comparing yourself to others. What we see online can really get us feel the FOMO sometimes. We can’t help get jealous and wish on a life like theirs. But as much as I want to have those people’s lifestyles, I just try to think about the possible things they filter through the public’s eye. As what I said, there is no such thing as a perfect life. We can simply choose to hide some truths about us and make our lives better through social media.
  • Be patient and persevere more. I do not put limits on things that I know I can achieve. I mean, even if I can’t have everything right now doesn’t mean I can’t have them in the future. Great things take time and effort, and I am willing to be patient and persevere more if that’s what it would take for me to reach my goals.
  • Set up realistic goals. If you don’t want to feel a bit missed out and if you don’t want to get your hopes up, it’s important that you set your goals in a very timely manner. You must know what you’re capable of and plan your goals as to when you feel you can achieve them the most. It’s fine to have a bucket list but you can’t check them off all at once.
  • Do not rush yourself. Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of time left to accomplish your goals. In order for things to happen, it will take a lot of courage and a lot of bad choices to achieve whatever you want to happen. Just enjoy and live life to the fullest. I’m sure we will all get there at God’s right time.
  • Work more, complain less. There’s no point of complaining when you don’t work hard to get it. I mean we all get tired at some points of our lives but never ever think of giving up. You’ll never know what is up at the end of the alley and so just push harder and relax and take your time if you have to. There’s no pressure to what life has to offer.
  • Appreciate what you have and be grateful. Do not worry about what you are missing out. Just say your thanks to whatever you have at the moment. I assure you if you change your focus to what you have rather than to what you’re still looking for, you’ll get surprised of how blessed you are to be able to get to where you are now.

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Dear Younger Me

I have a lot of things to tell you and although I’m not too old enough for stuff like this, still you need to be aware that you have been through a lot and I’m so proud of what you have become. You have been alive for 21 years and everything went your way and some went awry but you still managed to get up and brave the storm. You are already amazing for staying incredibly strong despite the anxieties and the worries that your mind had been through.

Even if I’m just starting my 20s, I cannot fathom how you learned all those life lessons and how you endured all those hardships and troubles. You still have a long way to go. You haven’t even started the next chapter of your life, yet you’re here still facing your nightmares and still hoping and praying for a much better life. There are really things you can’t learn without experiencing it, and it’s alright to feel dumb at first. As what I’ve mentioned, you have a long way to go and you can still right all the wrongs. You can still opt for the right path so give yourself a break.

First, I want to tell you that it’s okay to live at your own pace. You don’t have to compare to other’s achievements. You don’t have to live at other’s expectations, too. Just be yourself and be thankful for your own small steps because they are still vital for reaching the top. Just take your time and never rush because things might be slower now but you will be there at your own finish line before you even know it.

Second, do not jump into a situation you’re not ready to deal with. Because it will end so badly and you will regret it for the rest of your life. It can even destroy a relationship and if you cannot do intermediate intervention, it can also destroy and end your wonderful life. Just be thankful for the little things and never ever jump in just because it’s an open pit.

Third, do not live a life full of lies. It will creep on you like a bad habit and make you miserable for the rest of your life. Just be truthful and avoid situations that could end in dishonesty and betrayal.

Fourth, do not worship Amy Elliot Dunne because she’s not a heroine.

Fifth, learn to save your money. It will help you in your financial endeavor and can take you places you have never been. It can also aid with your anxieties and stresses because whenever you need to heal, shopping is your medicine.

Sixth, learn to notice and appreciate those people who have been by your side through the ups and downs. Also, spend more time with them because you need to be socially healthy.
Being with those people who matter is important because whenever you need a pat in the back or a shoulder to cry on, these people will be there to keep you company.

Seventh, take note of those people who are bound to break you. You might not be expecting it, but they are already stabbing you at the back. Just learn to forgive and forget but kill them with kindness and slap them with your success.

Eighth, do not stop taking pictures. Your future self will thank you a lot for snapping those photos. Also, print them as soon as possible. Pictures are cherished more when it’s tucked in a photo album than posted in a social media.

Ninth, take your parents’ advice. You would have been a good pianist if you have taken your dad’s advice and you would have been a graceful ballerina if you have taken your mom’s advice.

Tenth, sleep while you still can. As you grow older, you will be losing a lot of sleep so cherish all those nights when you can still snuggle with your pillows and blankets. If you want to reach your goals, you need to lose a lot of precious sleeping hours.

Lastly, do not put yourself in a situation that could make you uncomfortable. Put yourself first because life is too short to care about stuff that won’t even matter for the next few years. If life finally grants you what you need, grab it and do not set it free. But if it’s only meant to be temporary, then release it. You don’t need that kind of fleeting vibe in your life. Always remember that you deserve the best and if you have enough courage and patience, your future self can wait.

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Avoiding Relationship Disaster

I am happily and freely single right now. I have been embracing this life for quite some time and I can feel that it won’t be long until we cross our paths. Being involved in a serious relationship is kind of a big deal to me now since I am not looking for hook-ups and short-term goals. I am finally ready for some long-term commitments and patient compromises, which in any way, a sign of maturity.

I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend. I will try my best to make our relationship work, although we can’t avoid any kinds of conflicts and problems that may arise. As much as possible, I want you to be closer to home because I hate long distance relationships. Its magic doesn’t work anymore because we live in a different generation. Gone are the days of handwritten letters and paid phone calls. You will be just one chat away and it’s not safe anymore. The last thing I would want now is a relationship disaster.

I want us to behave in a healthy way. I want us to be clingy but caring with each other. If we want us to work out, we’ll have to look past our differences and let them slide. I don’t want you to do ridiculous things and I don’t want you to spend all your money on me. It’s the little things that count and it’s all about the memories we will about to share. Let’s take a lot of pictures instead and make a vast wall of memories because that’s what I always wanted.

Let’s call each other day and night. Let’s often exchange ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’. Let’s go eat hearty food and get drunk on coffee and wine. Let us become adventurers who easily get lost on the road. Let us work our asses off. Let us grow and become independent together and not be dependent with each other.

Also, I don’t want us to build our social media empire. It’s good to post pictures from time to time but I don’t want our relationship to thrive through technology. I don’t want the public to see us kissing rather I want them to show some candid and real pictures of you and of us having the best times of our lives. I want us to exude a positive vibe and not being overly obsessed and possessive with each other.

We also have to make the time and hang out with our family and friends. You have to understand that my world doesn’t revolve around you and only you. I have to catch up with them because they are my source of support before you even came knocking into my life. And I want you to do the same. I want us to be comfortable with each other’s family and friends and if you ever feel miserable with one of them, tell me so that you will never be thrown in at the deep end.

Lastly, talk to me and be open with me. I want you to show me the ropes in your life because I don’t want to settle with someone who I only want to call my boyfriend. Shots are already fired and I just want to have someone who I can really be happy with.

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Why Adult Life Scares Me

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source: pinterest.com

Now that I passed the board exam, I can’t help but think that this is finally the start of a life in the real world. I am so happy that I don’t have to study anymore and I’ll be working soon, but I can’t shake off the thought that the day will come that I’ll be living away from the comfort of our very home – in which I basically lived my life for two decades already.

Adult life scares me, heck, I don’t even want be called an adult. I love this feeling where I sleep most of the time and my mom doesn’t even care because she felt like I should be catching up on sleep and that our helper can handle things around the house on her own. But when that adult “time” comes, which is inevitable for God’s sake, I may or may not be the best adult I ought to be.

Here are 15 reasons why adult life scares me:

  1. I hate making doctor’s appointments. Because if there’s one thing I’m dependent to my mother about, it’s making doctor’s appointments and even though I’m a nurse, the doctor’s judgments freak me out all the time!
  2. Sleeping all alone in a house/apartment. Because I fear the day when I will be having my own crib without a companion. But I decided I’ll be inviting friends over so that we can share the whole house/apartment, maybe?
  3. Cleaning the bathroom/comfort room. Because I hate the idea of cleaning it.
  4. Taking out trash. Because it’s dirty and smelly and wet.
  5. Mounds of laundry. Because I love to change clothes a lot and I fear the day will come when I’ll be washing my own clothes. Also, it saps out all my energy just by looking at mountains of it.
  6. Eating fast foods for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Because I love cooking but cooking doesn’t love me back.
  7. Paying MY bills. Because you can’t live independently without the bills.
  8. Asking your parents for money. Because you admit defeat when you ask for it.
  9. Defective stuff. Because a leaking gasoline tank will never put you to sleep. Things like that.
  10. Attempting to fix everything. Because I just can’t fix everything.
  11. Attempts of avoiding my responsibilities. Because it will creep on me like monsters underneath my bed.
  12. Spending on things even though I don’t want to. Like taxes, maybe?
  13. Buying things that make me feel like an adult. Like hydrochloric acid and dish-washing soaps.
  14. Eating on paper plates with plastic spoons and forks. Because I hate to dish-wash.
  15. Calculating funds. Because I don’t want to spend my one month salary in one sitting.

 

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Open Letter

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source: pinterest.com

It’s been two months since I graduated and it never occurred to me that my four years of college life was finally over. I relied on the fact that I was still going to see them for two months of pure review for the board examinations. Now, I’m torn between depression and anxiety because I don’t know what’s coming up next. And waiting for the Nursing Licensure Exam results are not helping either.

For the past days, I have been avoiding everything that could trigger a memory. Facebook’s not helping because it keeps bringing up the past! And as much as I love my history, I don’t like bringing up my past because all of my emotions would drown me until I’m out of breath and miserable.

I’ve been doing my best and I’m pretty smart to divert my attention to Supernatural’s Sam and Dean Winchester. I have been praying so hard as well. Harder than I thought I can ever do. I have been asking for grace and mercy as well as strength and patience to carry all of these until something happens.

I have been strong and confident and the Lord reassured me that indeed something will happen (I asked for signs!). I knew it and I felt it. I just need to trust Him because He won’t fail us all. For now, I need to dust off the negativity and anxiety and reboot my system. I will also never forget to P.U.S.H. harder and harder. Pray Until Something Happens!

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New Year, New Me

 

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It’s already been a week since we welcomed new year. It was a bittersweet feeling for me because as much as I want to welcome 2016, it means that holidays will be over and my dad’s flying back to work. Not to mention also going back to school for the next three months. Nonetheless, 2015 was awesome. A lot of things happened in its most unexpected ways and I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to embrace it all.

Now that 2016’s here, I’ve decided to be more positive in my everyday endeavor. I believe that this is my year and I want everything to be awesome as much as possible. This year will also be the start of a new journey since I am going to graduate on April and I’m so excited to finally get out of college. I never liked college but I’ve met great friends along the way and they all matter.

Also, what I want in 2016 is to prioritize myself and run after my dreams while at the same time brushing off criticism and halting negativity that I can’t really stop from coming my way. I want to try harder not to be crushed by those dark energies and work hard until I go far in life. I know I have to keep going even though life makes it harder sometimes. I also believe that I deserve all of life’s greatness alongside my family, friends and most importantly God.

Please be good to me, 2016!

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Peace, Hope, Pray

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Photo from Pinterest

Merry Christmas everyone! It is that time of the year again where we get to celebrate our Lord’s birthday. This is by far my most favorite holiday because it’s when you get to see your relatives and be a whole family once again. Christmas also means peace and I hope and pray that there will be peace throughout the upcoming year which is 2016. It’s so bittersweet though because a lot of good things had happened and I am so thankful that I get to cherish all those blessings. May we continue to receive more good blessings and never ever forget to thank our God for granting all our heart’s desires. This holiday season, let’s keep the faith and hope and always pray not only for ourselves but for the rest of the world.

Again, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

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Find No Doubt

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When I need something, I pour all my thoughts to it and assess if what I want will really have a purpose. And after a thousand thoughts, I ask God for it. I often ask God for something and He often gives me what I need. When I have finally obtained what I asked for, I do not forget Him because it meant that He finally trusted me with it.

I think all of us should learn how to be thankful in everything that we go through. It’s not always about asking and then forgetting. It’s about asking and returning the favor by acknowledging Him. He is truly generous provided that what you asked for is for the greater good. And when we ask, we should believe in Him. Remove the doubt because it will not result to any good. Just trust Him and He will bless you with all your heart’s desire.

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