If You’re Reading This, I’m Already Drowning

I don’t even know where to start. I’m here because I can’t fall asleep even if I’m too tired. My mind is full of racing thoughts and my heart’s beating really fast. And at this point, I’m already crying and I don’t even know why.

The worst kinds of demons are what’s inside your head. They can ruin everything -your relationships, your career and your life. All of a sudden everything began to look bleak. And the people who are closest to me don’t deserve this and they don’t deserve to know this part of me. I am slowly drowning and the scariest part is I can’t even save me from me.

I am so disappointed with my self. I can’t even think straight and  I’ve been telling myself this whole time that this will pass, but when? I am already exhausted and I really need sleep. And I hate myself for feeling this way:

For the feeling of not being good enough and constantly disappointing someone. I feel like I’m the one who ruins the fun in this relationship and I feel mostly guilty about it. And for not telling you this worst part of me. I’m sorry.

For the feeling of hiding away and running away. Probably to a place where no one knows me. I just wanna be a stranger in an unfamiliar place.

For the feeling of total exhaustion even though I’ve been sleeping and taking a lot of time to rest.

For the feeling of having a lot of friends but not wanting to see them and when asked what’s wrong, I just say “I’m fine.” even though I’m totally not.

For over-thinking.




Why You Need to be Alone Sometimes

Inner peace can only be achieved when you are sensible with your own mind, body and spirit. Sometimes you need to take some time off and be socially unavailable for a few hours in order to dig deeper into your inner self. This does not mean you are submitting yourself into loneliness. It is simply appreciating your own company while gaining the perks of it.

So why do you need to be alone sometimes?

Photo: Pinterest
  • Being alone will allow you to recharge. You need to regain some of your self after being busy the whole week. This is not a task, this is a need. You’ve wasted so much of yourself pouring all your energy and effort into your work and with catching up with your family and friends, and now it’s time to take some much needed ‘me’ time. Cozy up and take some rest.


  • Being alone will help you be aware of your emotions. You must realize that your emotional well-being does not depend on others. You need to be conscious with your own feelings and your own values to achieve that healthy emotional glow. You are incredibly capable of nurturing yourself but first, you must believe in yourself that you can!


Photo: Pinterest
  • Being alone will help you realize that you don’t need validation from others. You must appreciate your own worth and that no one can define you other than yourself. You must remember that people will always have an opinion about you but learning to mind your own business will actually help you grow stronger and happier.
Photo: @fahdesss
  • Being alone can help kick-start your passion. Your mind is full of wonders and imagination strikes when you have a clear mind and a positive vibe. Do not take it for granted. Submit yourself into it and allow the world pass by while doing what you love the most. And when you have more ideas but a little amount of time left, write them down and get back to it when you already want to.


Photo: Kendall Jenner Official
  • Being alone will assist you to rule your life. Rocking solo time will actually help you become more confident and independent with yourself. You will be able to think things through and you are more capable of leading your life successfully. You are most likely be grateful with the things you have and happiest with the way you already are.

Remember that your mind is as vast as the universe. You sometimes get lost in it and other times you are aware of it. Being in a state of healthy solitude can actually provide you with things that are more important in life. By finding your inner self, you will be ready to rule your world on your own.

x   o   x   o

Finding your Safe Havens

With a new day comes a new anxiety. We struggle everyday to find peace within ourselves and we mentally and physically fight our stressors out. We’ve been doing this for a long time and even though we survive every night, we are confronted with another problem every day. Can we truly win this war with our minds? Of course, we can. By setting some safe havens within ourselves and making it a habit everyday, we can be peacefully happy and productively carry on with our life.

Photo: Fit. Fabulous. Beautiful.
  • Take a few minutes everyday to realize what you already have and be mindful and grateful. It’s the simple things that count and be proud of what you have already achieved. Breathe deeply and unplug and you’ll easily notice these things that truly matter.


Photo: Etsy/Cliqueshops
  • Take some time to blog or journal about your feelings and struggles. Writing is a form of therapy and pouring everything out helps to make you feel at ease. This also allows you to reflect on what you have been through and help you realize the things you need to change in order to be able to obtain that positive life.


Photo: Lux et Amor
  • Drink some coffee or tea. Coffee actually improves your energy levels and can boost your mood. It is a mild antidepressant and it increases your Dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate emotional responses. Tea is also awesome for your health. It has less caffeine than coffee and it reduces cortisol levels which is the stress hormone.


Photo: Eslamoda
  • Read a good book or browse through one chapter everyday. Make this a habit and you’ll gain new knowledge and mindsets to what you have read. Drown yourself to new stories and be mindful of each words. It can help you a lot as this takes your mind off your troubled thoughts.


Photo: Esther
  • Take a walk outside. Just take a break, walk and notice your surroundings. This will ease your mind and give you a fresh perspective. Sometimes when you’re drowning yourself into the work week, just the act of stepping your feet outside can help you realize that the world is vast and your worries are just tiny dots you can survive at.

x   o   x   o

Alone But Never Lonely

Photo: LoveSurf

I identify myself as one of those many people who is completely okay to stay single. It’s frustrating to know that some crowds would justify singleness as someone (1) who has trust issues and would never date ever again, (2) who has probably some issues within himself/herself and that’s why he/she is not suitable to be loved at all, and (3) other issues that mainly downgrade a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. For what it’s worth, being single is likened to a season – a season of growth and/or renewal.

I’m lying if I said I don’t want to be in a relationship. I am a hopeless romantic freak. I feed my soul with every chic flicks and drown myself into romantic novels. I even listen to podcasts about love and redemption every morning before I get out of bed. What I’m saying is, I do want love but I want it to come in its own perfect timing.

I don’t want to rush everything right now. I’m young and contented of what I have become. Right now I have all the time to think and reflect on the many things that matter the most and I am just waiting for that time when I’m finally ready to get on with my life. And being alone has allowed me to redirect my priorities and goals into the brighter aspect of the spectrum.

It has never crossed my mind that being single made me less of a person. I am actually gaining more of myself than I ever thought. It made me realize that my world doesn’t have to revolve into one person’s orbit only. I have a supportive family and an incredible sets of friends, and I associate myself with them too often that I forget I am in a state of being single. They give me a sense of purpose just by being there and if it does not validate how blessed I am, I don’t know what will.

I am hopeful that whenever my forever person comes knocking at my door, I’m already ready to begin a new chapter of my life. In all honesty, I am not asking for him to hurry. He should take his time because I still have to hustle to get to wherever I want to be. Right now I still want to be selfish with myself and with my time. As cliché as it may sound, I still want to savor every bite of my freedom.

x   o   x   o

Too Ironic To Ponder



Photo: Pinterest

I’m always convinced that my thoughts and emotions are pulling me into the depths of damnation. My anxiety and sadness are, I guess, my lifetime friends and I cannot in any way get rid of them. I give myself pep talks sometimes to persuade myself to allow them to walk side by side with me but never give them a chance to get ahead of me, and somehow that works pretty much fine.

Today I learned that these so-called friends of mine can be great companions too. I realized that if I can’t make them leave, I can actually use them into something more useful and productive. By utilizing them and making them beneficial to my well-being, these inevitable thoughts and feelings can be a start of a passion that could fuel some drive deep within me.

Delving deeper into these things made me realize that I am, in fact, already using my overthinking mind and sad heart into something fruitful. The main reason I started this blog was for me to be able to write about my daily fashion excursions. But being a person full of sentiments and occupied with a lot about the smallest things, this blog is more proper for those muddled thinking.

I am a bit amused of myself because I never thought I can make these weaknesses turn into my strongest assets. Who would have thought that these crippling emotions and these devastating thoughts could blossom into the life full of positive vibes and internal stillness? Life is ironic, indeed.

To be honest, I never thought I could write things like these five years ago. I always envisioned myself to be someone who would write more about the latest fashion trends and to post new OOTDs every single day. I would have been a new fashion blogger on the block. I am more interested in those kinds of things only to realize that they were a temporary distraction from what I really feel. Truly, life is really not what it seems.

x   o   x   o

Internal Battle

Photo: Ellga in Wonderland

Negativity – a complex prison my mind can’t seem to get out of. I’ve been dwelling in this inner sanctum for years and all I ever wanted was to break free. Sometimes it’s easy for me to say that I’m already positive and so full of life yet I’m back again. I’m back to being miserable and sad.

I always thought I already have my life together. Maybe I already have but my unhappy thoughts would always get the best of me. They’re always ahead of me every step of the way and even if I could shake them off, they somehow creep back into me. I hate it.

I may be free but my mind has always been a captive. It’s surreal how one moment I am my jolly self and the next thing I know I’m already ruined. With this situation I’m in, I am just really appreciative of the little things and the moments when I can be with my happy self again. I grab them as best as I could because they don’t linger too long too often. I keep hoping they never go away.

I wish I knew how to break out of this system permanently. I’m glad I could write all my feelings out. I’m proud of myself for not thinking about taking my own life. I’m thankful that I have family and friends who are only a call away. They can really help me win this internal battle I’m in. So far they haven’t asked me how I tend to get myself into this kind of internal mess but somehow their existence give me enough courage and hope to fight and win my troubles away.

My thoughts are also with those people who never got the chance to get out alive. I’m crushed every time news about depression and suicide appear on our television and smartphone screens. I think about the things they’d been through and I always ask myself if they ever had a chance to tell someone what they were going through, and if those people took a moment to focus on them or did they shrugged them off. I am still full of questions and concerns because I have an understanding of what they were going through and it’s not that easy as what everybody think it is.

Negativity is a complexity. The sad thing about it is that you can’t even see it coming and when it has taken over your mind, you cannot even resist it. You just know you’re doomed to fight and if you’re strong enough, you’ll manage to rise up.

x   o   x   o

You’re Only In Your Twenties Once

Living in your twenties is a pretty huge deal. It’s merely the time to get free and explore not only the world but also yourself. Things are starting to shape up and make sense, and the adult life starts to loom around. It may be true that this is the time for us to get our shit together and face the reality headstrong but keep in mind that this is also the right time to make mistakes and truly learn from them.

When you’re in your twenties, personal growth is either rampant or restrained. Things may spurt out or things may slow down. There is no in-between. Your own personal choices are what’s keeping you going or what’s keeping you stagnant. Whatever the situation you’re in, keep in mind that everything is happening for reasons that you’ll most likely figure out when the right time comes. It’s always never too late when you’re in your twenties.

I’m only 21 years old but don’t get me wrong. Because we are only in our twenties once, I’ve come up with a list that we, twenty-somethings should be doing to make the most out of this decade.

Photo: Pinterest

Plan a getaway with your friends. It’s always better to explore the great outdoors with great friends. It’s not really that expensive when you do it right. You can always start with your city and make your way to your neighboring cities. When your bank account permits, you can perhaps travel to other countries. Either way, the experiences you’ll have in the whole scale of the trip will always be memorable. Remember that it gets harder finding the right schedule when you’re older so now’s the best time!

Photo: Bored Daddy

Learn more about your roots. It’s about time you realize that as you grow older, your elders are not getting any younger as well. It’s only fitting that you should start asking more about your ancestors and your family history. Make notes and timelines because this will also serve as a legacy to your children and their children as well.

Photo: Nicole Hill Gerulat

Spend more time with your little siblings and/or cousins. At this point in time, they basically look up to you as the big boss to everything. They will expect you to decide for them and they will respect you no matter what. You’ll have more fun together and you will surely enjoy their innocence. But the main reason for this is that when you’re older, you’ll get caught up with work and even your own family that you’ll never have the time to mingle with them anymore. Plus, when they’re older, it’s more likely they’ll never gonna listen to you any longer.

Photo: Adventure in Cooking


Up your culinary game. You cannot just settle with ramen for the rest of your life. Lift up your cooking skills in your 20s and you’ll never have to worry about hosting a dinner party later in life. You’ll also most likely to impress a special someone with your culinary prowess because food is always the key to the heart, right?

Photo: Design Collector

Take good quality portraits. And if you can have them developed, do it too. These photos will remind you of great memories and it’s always fun to place them in photo albums or display them in picture frames. It elevates its sentimentality more and it will remind you later of how you looked and how it felt like to be in your 20s. Selfies doesn’t count and the studio-type photos are not necessary. Just be yourself and do you!

Photo: We Heart It

Build good habits. Self-discipline should start now. Wake up early, take a morning run, get organized and manage your time. Now’s the right time to take care of yourself and your habits. You are not in high school anymore so set your priorities straight and do great things by starting small and start it with yourself.

Photo: Models Jam

Learn from people who already have made it. Always seek advice from these people because they already are the wisest. Talk with them more often and learn from their experiences. They will always have something to offer and their wisdom is the greatest thing you’ll ever have. Sometimes you won’t agree with them too much but time will come when every little details they shared will make great sense.

Photo: We Heart It


Don’t be so hard on yourself. In your early twenties, there will come a time when you’ll feel like your life is too stagnant and there will always that feeling of getting left behind. Don’t get this feeling corrupt you. Things are not getting easier and the pressure is always on but just take a deep breath and know that things will come at the right time and you’ll do great at your own pace.

x   o   x   o





Avoiding the FOMO


I know that there’s no such thing as a perfect life. All of us struggle to live and everyone has different stories and experiences to offer. We all want the same end goal and that is to be happy and contented with how we ruled our lives.

Some of us, though, are afraid to miss out on the things that truly matter. I, for one, feel that I’m being stranded on the same spot and I just watch the days go by so quickly. I try so hard to be productive and I really seek for an inspiration so that I could do something different for each and every day.

So how to avoid the FOMO (or the Fear Of Missing OUT)?

  • Avoid routine activities. When I wake up each morning I try my best not to do the same things I did yesterday. I simply hate routine activities because it causes me to follow certain tasks over and over again. Usually these kinds of days always end up on a boring and unproductive note, and by doing things differently, it gives me a drive to do something new and original. By the time I had finished these stuff, there is already a great sense of accomplishment and that’s what I truly aim for.
  • Stop comparing yourself to others. What we see online can really get us feel the FOMO sometimes. We can’t help get jealous and wish on a life like theirs. But as much as I want to have those people’s lifestyles, I just try to think about the possible things they filter through the public’s eye. As what I said, there is no such thing as a perfect life. We can simply choose to hide some truths about us and make our lives better through social media.
  • Be patient and persevere more. I do not put limits on things that I know I can achieve. I mean, even if I can’t have everything right now doesn’t mean I can’t have them in the future. Great things take time and effort, and I am willing to be patient and persevere more if that’s what it would take for me to reach my goals.
  • Set up realistic goals. If you don’t want to feel a bit missed out and if you don’t want to get your hopes up, it’s important that you set your goals in a very timely manner. You must know what you’re capable of and plan your goals as to when you feel you can achieve them the most. It’s fine to have a bucket list but you can’t check them off all at once.
  • Do not rush yourself. Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of time left to accomplish your goals. In order for things to happen, it will take a lot of courage and a lot of bad choices to achieve whatever you want to happen. Just enjoy and live life to the fullest. I’m sure we will all get there at God’s right time.
  • Work more, complain less. There’s no point of complaining when you don’t work hard to get it. I mean we all get tired at some points of our lives but never ever think of giving up. You’ll never know what is up at the end of the alley and so just push harder and relax and take your time if you have to. There’s no pressure to what life has to offer.
  • Appreciate what you have and be grateful. Do not worry about what you are missing out. Just say your thanks to whatever you have at the moment. I assure you if you change your focus to what you have rather than to what you’re still looking for, you’ll get surprised of how blessed you are to be able to get to where you are now.

x   o   x   o

Dear Younger Me

I have a lot of things to tell you and although I’m not too old enough for stuff like this, still you need to be aware that you have been through a lot and I’m so proud of what you have become. You have been alive for 21 years and everything went your way and some went awry but you still managed to get up and brave the storm. You are already amazing for staying incredibly strong despite the anxieties and the worries that your mind had been through.

Even if I’m just starting my 20s, I cannot fathom how you learned all those life lessons and how you endured all those hardships and troubles. You still have a long way to go. You haven’t even started the next chapter of your life, yet you’re here still facing your nightmares and still hoping and praying for a much better life. There are really things you can’t learn without experiencing it, and it’s alright to feel dumb at first. As what I’ve mentioned, you have a long way to go and you can still right all the wrongs. You can still opt for the right path so give yourself a break.

First, I want to tell you that it’s okay to live at your own pace. You don’t have to compare to other’s achievements. You don’t have to live at other’s expectations, too. Just be yourself and be thankful for your own small steps because they are still vital for reaching the top. Just take your time and never rush because things might be slower now but you will be there at your own finish line before you even know it.

Second, do not jump into a situation you’re not ready to deal with. Because it will end so badly and you will regret it for the rest of your life. It can even destroy a relationship and if you cannot do intermediate intervention, it can also destroy and end your wonderful life. Just be thankful for the little things and never ever jump in just because it’s an open pit.

Third, do not live a life full of lies. It will creep on you like a bad habit and make you miserable for the rest of your life. Just be truthful and avoid situations that could end in dishonesty and betrayal.

Fourth, do not worship Amy Elliot Dunne because she’s not a heroine.

Fifth, learn to save your money. It will help you in your financial endeavor and can take you places you have never been. It can also aid with your anxieties and stresses because whenever you need to heal, shopping is your medicine.

Sixth, learn to notice and appreciate those people who have been by your side through the ups and downs. Also, spend more time with them because you need to be socially healthy.
Being with those people who matter is important because whenever you need a pat in the back or a shoulder to cry on, these people will be there to keep you company.

Seventh, take note of those people who are bound to break you. You might not be expecting it, but they are already stabbing you at the back. Just learn to forgive and forget but kill them with kindness and slap them with your success.

Eighth, do not stop taking pictures. Your future self will thank you a lot for snapping those photos. Also, print them as soon as possible. Pictures are cherished more when it’s tucked in a photo album than posted in a social media.

Ninth, take your parents’ advice. You would have been a good pianist if you have taken your dad’s advice and you would have been a graceful ballerina if you have taken your mom’s advice.

Tenth, sleep while you still can. As you grow older, you will be losing a lot of sleep so cherish all those nights when you can still snuggle with your pillows and blankets. If you want to reach your goals, you need to lose a lot of precious sleeping hours.

Lastly, do not put yourself in a situation that could make you uncomfortable. Put yourself first because life is too short to care about stuff that won’t even matter for the next few years. If life finally grants you what you need, grab it and do not set it free. But if it’s only meant to be temporary, then release it. You don’t need that kind of fleeting vibe in your life. Always remember that you deserve the best and if you have enough courage and patience, your future self can wait.

x   o   x   o

Avoiding Relationship Disaster

I am happily and freely single right now. I have been embracing this life for quite some time and I can feel that it won’t be long until we cross our paths. Being involved in a serious relationship is kind of a big deal to me now since I am not looking for hook-ups and short-term goals. I am finally ready for some long-term commitments and patient compromises, which in any way, a sign of maturity.

I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend. I will try my best to make our relationship work, although we can’t avoid any kinds of conflicts and problems that may arise. As much as possible, I want you to be closer to home because I hate long distance relationships. Its magic doesn’t work anymore because we live in a different generation. Gone are the days of handwritten letters and paid phone calls. You will be just one chat away and it’s not safe anymore. The last thing I would want now is a relationship disaster.

I want us to behave in a healthy way. I want us to be clingy but caring with each other. If we want us to work out, we’ll have to look past our differences and let them slide. I don’t want you to do ridiculous things and I don’t want you to spend all your money on me. It’s the little things that count and it’s all about the memories we will about to share. Let’s take a lot of pictures instead and make a vast wall of memories because that’s what I always wanted.

Let’s call each other day and night. Let’s often exchange ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’. Let’s go eat hearty food and get drunk on coffee and wine. Let us become adventurers who easily get lost on the road. Let us work our asses off. Let us grow and become independent together and not be dependent with each other.

Also, I don’t want us to build our social media empire. It’s good to post pictures from time to time but I don’t want our relationship to thrive through technology. I don’t want the public to see us kissing rather I want them to show some candid and real pictures of you and of us having the best times of our lives. I want us to exude a positive vibe and not being overly obsessed and possessive with each other.

We also have to make the time and hang out with our family and friends. You have to understand that my world doesn’t revolve around you and only you. I have to catch up with them because they are my source of support before you even came knocking into my life. And I want you to do the same. I want us to be comfortable with each other’s family and friends and if you ever feel miserable with one of them, tell me so that you will never be thrown in at the deep end.

Lastly, talk to me and be open with me. I want you to show me the ropes in your life because I don’t want to settle with someone who I only want to call my boyfriend. Shots are already fired and I just want to have someone who I can really be happy with.

x   o   x   o