If You’re Reading This, I’m Already Drowning

I don’t even know where to start. I’m here because I can’t fall asleep even if I’m too tired. My mind is full of racing thoughts and my heart’s beating really fast. And at this point, I’m already crying and I don’t even know why.

The worst kinds of demons are what’s inside your head. They can ruin everything -your relationships, your career and your life. All of a sudden everything began to look bleak. And the people who are closest to me don’t deserve this and they don’t deserve to know this part of me. I am slowly drowning and the scariest part is I can’t even save me from me.

I am so disappointed with my self. I can’t even think straight and  I’ve been telling myself this whole time that this will pass, but when? I am already exhausted and I really need sleep. And I hate myself for feeling this way:

For the feeling of not being good enough and constantly disappointing someone. I feel like I’m the one who ruins the fun in this relationship and I feel mostly guilty about it. And for not telling you this worst part of me. I’m sorry.

For the feeling of hiding away and running away. Probably to a place where no one knows me. I just wanna be a stranger in an unfamiliar place.

For the feeling of total exhaustion even though I’ve been sleeping and taking a lot of time to rest.

For the feeling of having a lot of friends but not wanting to see them and when asked what’s wrong, I just say “I’m fine.” even though I’m totally not.

For over-thinking.